Praise God

by HIS grace alone

usher

2011 has come to an end, and with it, a phase in my life that was, as always, dotted with its fair share of sufferings, disappointment, and joy.

as we cross over into the new year, it is tempting to look back and reminisce on the past experiences and lessons of the prior 12 months. yet, what is a year, besides an arbitrary division of time conjured by humanity, yet another trapping of society. any moment is as good as another for a time of reflection and learning.

and so instead of looking back, wondering, wishing, and appreciating, i shall look ahead. it is not that i find these memories without merit; in fact what i have experienced this past year has been priceless. but no amount of re-examination will best the good in moving forward. and this is what i seek to do, in 2012. to leave the baggage behind (one piece at a time) and surge ahead.

the coming 365 days will bring challenges and opportunities that, while vastly different from those i faced in 2011, will be no less enriching and humbling. yet, necessary. 

i only hope i will do better this time

——————–

trust yourself

abandon all fear

spread these wings

DSC_0858

every day is a chance for new beginnings

precipitate

the weather mirrors/affects my mood

——————

i thought i’d found the answer, but all i’d found was a method of temporary distraction. a mirage of satisfaction, a self-inflicted delusion that i was happy with how things are. doing many things does not a happy man make.

——————

what do i really want out of this? so, i went through the silly process of reapplying to UK, sitting for my LNAT, and even put in a meagre attempt at reading up. and then the enthusiasm died out, and i’m left exactly where i was 6 months ago. looking at my options (or lack thereof) and wondering what on earth i am doing with my life.

as the prospect of being able to go up for an interview draws nearer, the drive to go for it vanishes even quicker. perhaps its the aversion to having to travel thousands of miles away (20 hours or so by flight) only to discover that they don’t want me. or even worse, that i don’t even know why i want to be there so badly. maybe i just always needed something to aim for, and i just haven’t reconciled myself to the discovery that i’m not good enough for it, or it was the wrong goal for me all along. as far as direction goes, i’m pretty far lost.

——————–

at least i should have something to look forward to: ORD. admittedly, i’m now beginning to long for the end of NS. but there was a time when 4 december didnt mark the end of a long drawn-out chore, but rather the start of an exciting new journey. but just what that journey was, i can no longer tell. what happens next? i build a computer, buy new games. spend hours, days, at home watching shows and playing games. i spend my evenings giving tuition when school reopens just to earn that extra cash, but for what purpose? so i can find another expensive interest to spend it on? it truly is carthatic, spending money like that. too bad the feeling wears out quick.

i used to tell myself it would be better because i’d have more time. to exercise, to meet friends, to follow God. but will it really? or would i just find an excuse to waste my time doing nothing fruitful yet again.

it’s time to commit, but how?

——————–

set my feet back on the path

open my ears to hear

direct my heart to obey

 

hope

of all hearts

—————–

my God is truly amazing. i find it just wonderful how he works in such mysterious ways that we can’t comprehend. for instance, a passage that was discussed in YAM came up in my devotions yesterday. and my seemingly flippant choice of songs when i led worship today tied in so well with the speaker’s message. and all in all they tie in together to serve as a reminder that we have got to rely on him, and not our own strength.

——————

it frightens me to realise how little i truly know about my faith. i mean, i know the basics, and the foundation i suppose. but when it comes down to defending or explaining it, i find myself sorely lacking in ability. perhaps its time to take my religion more seriously. it is, after all, the only thing that truly matters in this life. i’ve been to busy trying to chase all these paths that seem to offer some possibility of happiness, or enjoyment. and even though i know that my priority should be fixing my life spiritually and allowing God to make everything else fall into place, i just can’t seem to let go. what does it mean to rely on His strength and not our own? how do i know that the promptings i hear are from Him and not merely manifestations of my own desires. after all, the human mind is a terribly devious one.

i want to need Him more.

——————-

ord is coming, and to be honest i’m not really looking forward to it. the fact that i have only 2 months left, with 20 days off and 10 days leave, makes it seems all so real. it used to be something far away at the end of national service, that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that didn’t really need to be taken seriously. but now it’ s looking more like the end of a dream, or should i say a dream-like existence. because i’ve been so blessed with my NS posting that real life isn’t exactly looking very attractive. i’d have to deal with real problems, real responsibilities, real consequences. which only goes to show how good a job i’ve been doing of putting off everything for the past 2 years.

————-

tree of life was a strange show. i totally failed to appreciate the extended sequences of galaxies, cells and dinosaurs, backed with classical music. as much as i like shows that make you think, i usually require some use of words to trigger my thoughts. else i just get bored. at least it got better in the middle. still, i just dont feel it deserves all the ratings it seems to have online. or maybe i’m just too uncouth to comprehend its beauty. and to top it off, all that popcorn made my jaw ache for 2 days.

—————

give me fire

i can’t quite figure out what it is i’m searching for

scrambled

tamago

———————–

i’m really happy for my brother. it was really wonderful hearing good news after such a long time. especially news regarding university, and the future. but somehow as much as i’m glad that he succeeded, it still serves to remind me how i’ve failed. i guess i shouldn’t be comparing in the first place: after all, our situations and interests are fairly different. perhaps if i had pursued a similar path i might have found acceptance too? somehow i doubt so.

now that i look back, i really had absolutely no idea what i was doing at that time. applying for a scholarship when i was not certain of my convictions and aspirations. going in without proper preparation, and not even aligning my scholarship and university applications properly. nonetheless, i trust that He has a plan for me and that all this was just a learning process. all i hope is that now, i’ll be able to meet with some success this year with my applications.

if only it was easier to map out your path in life. that though, might take half the fun out of living it.

————————–

life has been so, free (for lack of a better word), since the end of NDP. and to think that it hasn’t even been a full month since that day. yet i feel that i’ve been released for much longer. somehow the packed schedule does help in some way to keep the mind off things. its only on days when i tell myself that i have nothing to do, that i find myself slipping away. it is, in fact, merely a lie: i know that there is much to be done with the little time i have. but yet i find opportunities to declare myself truly free, just because there’s no one pushing me to meet deadlines and complete my work.

everything just feels so inconsequential now, as though i can just enjoy until the real world starts again. after all, if i fail to do anything from now till next august, school life will still resume anyway.

—————————–

dug out my lbv and helmet from my cupboard yesterday. it’s gonna be the first time wearing them after 8 long months of office work. just a reminder of how blessed i am to have such a great ns life. hopefully the skills we learnt so long ago haven’t abandoned me entirely just yet. i’ve a feeling it might actually feel good firing a rifle again. we’ll see.

——————————

its kind of a funny story was a pretty nice show. although it did seem awkward at times that the sober basis of the story was sometimes diluted by comic relief. but all in all i dont regret spending 2 hours of my life on it. i guess i’ve got a newfound attraction to emo-looking shows that make you think. the beaver was pretty decent too, but  the lack of a happy fairy-tale ending bore too much resemblance to reality. sometimes you just want to escape and think that, yes, everything is going to be okay.

——————————–

everyone’s changing, have i?

waves

tumultuous seas

————————–

and so, NDP is finally over. its been one heck of a journey and despite all the missing weekends and late nights, i can’t say i regret being a part of it. it’s truly been an honour to be a part of this experience during my time as a NSF: after all i probably won’t be able to be a part of another parade ever. unless something really strange happens to my life.

i miss the feeling of being on a stage. admittedly, carrying the colours isn’t much of a performance, but there’s something about an audience that just makes you smile. the quickening of the heartbeat, the applause and the feeling of accomplishment. i can’t wait to be part of that sometime, hopefully in uni.

————————–

today was a maximally crappy day though, despite the happiness(?) of being free of NDP after many long months. the fact that i already had to go back to work was already a bitch. and then, having to miss the movie and forgo the 4 tickets that we booked over the weekend just because of stupid work i had to do. i don’t know why i care when the people whose job it is to care don’t seem to. perhaps its time to take some advice and learn some balance. after all, the 20 days of off and 10 days of leave oughta give me plenty of opportunity to balance work and play. or even rest. that is, of course, assuming i manage to use up al those days.

————————–

 

pre-emptive

i suddenly no longer feel like applying to cambridge, or the USA. perhaps its the fear of being rejected again. or maybe its just the tremendous amount of inertia that’s built up over the past 1 and a half years in army. or the realisation that i’m in no state to impress interviewers with talk, or admissions officers with my essays.

but why.

————–

erghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ice cream

conversations

————————

i have had a few conversations of late, with friends and acquaintances. whether it be through the phone, over a drink, or ice cream, they all serve to remind me of a single puzzle. what am i truly searching for with my continually declaration of boredom? despite the busyness of my schedule, i still find myself wishing i had something more exciting, more fulfilling, or just something more to do. is it a yearning for companionship? or one for achievement? or am i just searching for distractions to keep my occupied before life resumes again?

maybe the key is to realise that life doesn’t have to wait for ord, or for uni. that life can begin now, and that there is no true holiday from this journey. after all, what else is life but a collection of experiences? and it seems that that’s all i’m able to collect during this time.

I need some hope and/or excitement.

————————

i’ve been driving at every chance i’ve gotten, to the extent that i realise i haven’t been sleeping in the backseat for quite a while. it used to be that every ride home from camp meant a rest: half an hour for a catnap. instead, now i have to fight to stay awake on the road and retain my license. and burdening though it may be, there is some sense of achievement that comes with the responsibility of driving. might as well make the most of my time to clock mileage and improve my driving. in hopes that the day when i get a car to drive will come soon enough. although all this driving coupled with my feeble attempts at consistent exercise are making me really tired all the time.

————————