lament

we look around

the lives we created

the worlds we imagined

that never came to be

-

the signs abound

theyre all around

dreams lie broken

words unspoken

-

but tomorrow

is a new day

and youve got to leave the past behind

:(

so i didnt get the scholarship.

————

but theres no time to mope about it. not with the pile of backlogged homework i have, and the socialist worker’s holiday tomorrow.

on another note. i lost out 3 marks in the chem test because i didnt write the answer in the correct format. darnit.

————

my new desktop wallpaper

————

what next

think of

me

———————–

these days. when you think of times past and of times to come. its like youre stuck in the middle, ever transiting, never anywhere. when you long for certainties, even if its something you dont really like. whatever it is, youre sure that its better than this feeling. of floating around. dazed. semiconscious. unsure.

———————–

3 tests down. chem was hard, as expected. bio was ok, and so were my marks. english was, well, english. i just hope the mid year and final english papers are easy ones. maybe about society. or communism. or the like. something i understand at least, not abstract concepts of time, love and guilt.

the prospect of sitting for tests unprepared looms. as much as i like coming home early, its dulled my senses. everything is moving in slow motion now. one tiny step at a time, im blind to the oncoming traffic. and the tests, responsibilities and problems pummel you like rugby players. but still you trudge on, through the snow through the wind. because there is a railing next to you, a guiding light, a savior.

——————-

thinking. its a lot like excercise. when your brain has been active, it feels good to think and churn out ideas. to keep it oiled and moving. but once you let your mind slacken, the rust and dust collects. everything slows down, just like a computer with too many movies in it. speaking of which, i really should get an external. my wonderful laptop isnt as fast as it used to be. but back to thinking. i realised it when doing fps on saturday. i havent been using my head enough. after the chemistry test, ive been letting my mind rest. working through my homework at a sloth’s pace. and the result? when i tax my brain just a little more, it gets exhausted. and just stops working.

maybe tests are good for us, after all.

———————-

i must say, the REW follow up sessions have been rather useful. it could just be that i used to ignore all the signs which He threw at me, but still, its an improvement. and so ive learnt, that itll always be a struggle. no one ever said that its smooth sailing once youve accepted His love. in fact, ive a feeling that you’ll struggle more when youre actually trying to do the right thing, as compared to just not caring. but still, at least now you can take solace in the fact that theres an unwavering tower, a stronghold, a refuge for you to return to at the end of the day. in fact, you can return to it anytime. for where God is, Heaven is. and He is Peace.

———————-

sometimes realising the situation you are in is a frightening discovery.

———————–

under covers staying dry and warm

of earthworms

and snails

—————

so the tests begin. and i am nowhere near as prepared as i should be. still, the hour or so that i have left to study should do me some good.

—————

i was intending to talk about bacteria and such. as well as the wonderful state of our mac-overun class. but the biology test has seemed to put any inspiration i had for blogging away, leaving me instead fumbling to memorise the identities of purines and pyrimidines. such simple concepts, yet so difficult to remember. and as i struggle, i can only hope that the words are registering in my brain, connecting neurons and synapses.

—————

so then. time to study. all the best.

—————

make believe

once again

attempts

————-

its the weekend. time to try and start studying. tests are beginning and ive got to start somewhere.

—————-

you might have to max out the volume to hear the sound. my laptop microphones arent that good.

——————–

rematch

parched

slipping away

————–

please dont. its much too early. just at the onset of tests. and the next rest seems so far away, too far almost. and as much as we complain, its really what we all work for. grades. (in)significant digits on a paper, telling you your worth.

if i could just find the strength.

—————

burnout

alien

foreign

————–

its amazing how strong an emotion shows can evoke in the watcher. take band of brothers and auschwitz as cases in point. who can say that after watching the shows, they dont feel like screaming out at the unfairness of the world. and quite possibly, developing a mild hatred for Germans, Nazis in particular. its amazing how quickly we generalise. Hitler was bad, therefore Nazis are evil and Germans are bad too. or from their point of view. some Jews stole our jobs, so Jews are evil, so we should exterminate them.

and at the same time, its scary how perspective changes everything. supposedly letters from Iwo Jima is a good show for that, ive got to find the chance to watch it.

——————–

ive got to learn how to look and read about electronics without wanting to buy it all. or my credit card will suffer when i grow up and get an income.

but for now. time to start saving. for these:

http://www.dpreview.com/reviews/canons5is/

Full multi-touch macs

——————-

———————–

we could be anything

sometimes,

life just sucks.

when you feel like just giving up on everything and staying at home all day, doing things you actually WANT to do, and not things you wish you wanted to do, just cos you have to do them anyway. when you know youre the reason for all your problems but dont want to care.

and sometimes you wish there wasnt such a thing as school and education.

————-

oh just go self-combust or something.

cogs

grinding into motion

———————-

“your tests are in 1 week’s time” she says. 1 week? as a stare in disbelief at my diary (student’s handbook for those of you who think i own a real diary). to think that tomorrow begins the 5th week of term 2, while i dont even remember what happened in the past 4 weeks. come to think of it, i cant remember the march holidays either. my memory begins to fade after the tests of term 1.

all this talk of year 5 being a honeymoon year must have affected my subconscious. somehow i tackle my responsibilities in school with a depressing lack of passion. should i not be enthusiastic about this? about a chance to climb back up the academic ladder? oh what id give for passion. ignite me, someone.

———————–

the focus group session gave me the chance to look back on my 4 years of education in acsi. i must say, hardly anyone remembers any of the work we did. instead we remember things like oep, ldp, and for me, fps. its simple things like these which allow us to bond with our peers and mentors that stick with us. the mindless conversations late at night. its not the content of our communication that matters, but merely the act of communion. satisfying our basic need for social and emotional cravings. friendship.

———————–

but to move on to another f. faith. its only been a week since the start of our new prayer devotional programme, and ive already missed out on 4 of the 7 days. despite my tremendous lack of zeal and discipline, God still manages to speak to me. of the deep longing in our souls for Him, which we so easily fill with worldly desires. the kind that evaporate in a matter of days and leave us searching for something else. and it isnt always that we subconsciously mistake the desire for God as a desire for something else, companionship for example. sometimes we consciously brush aside the need for a closer walk with our Creator, dismissing it as a journey too tedious and difficult for us, myself being a guilty party of the gravest kind. but to live a life in God’s shadow. thats no easy feat, yet its the very essence of our existence on earth.

why is it that i can so easily rationalise this in my head, but fail in the spiritual journey. give me strength oh Lord.

———————–

congratulations to the OM winners. and to those who werent recognised, youre winners still.

———————–

when i fail yet again

lacking

discipline

——————–

so i swam 50 laps today in school, doing my part in “swim against malaria”. although i personally do not see what swimming has to do with fighting malaria, but hey, im not one to give up a wonderful opportunity to get out of the house AND get a tan. it was ultra sunny when i got to school, but the moment i started swimming the sun decided to hide in the clouds. and only came out again when i had finished swimming. i would have stayed on and swam more just to get a tan, except i hardly think its good to suddenly swim more than 2.5 km at one shot after not swimming for half a year. so i had to be satisfied with whatever little sun i got during the one and a half hours. so after that i slacked around in the om room, cutting stuff for them. and now im home, and i guess ill have to start on my work after this.

———————

thanks to starhub, who is giving away a canon ixus 950 is, my dad started talking about getting a camera again. and he took out his camera box from his cupboard, containing not one but TWO film slr cameras. with a normal lens, a telephoto lens and a wide angle lens. its just too bad the lenses are moldy and we’re too lazy to buy film, or itd make for a wonderful timewasting photographic adventure. the cameras are the olympus om2 and some canon eos. someone get me some film please.

now that we are confirmed going to the usa for fps, i feel bad going to buy a camera. but then again, with no camera, the trip would be quite a waste. so i shall try my best to convince them to get the s5.

————————-

i dont really like the new wordpress interface. but then again, things have got to change. the old has to make way for the new. which reminds me of something i just read in national geographic: at any given moment, all state of the art computers are simultaneously on the verge of become obsolete. well not in those exact words, but you get the meaning. i guess thats why the past holds so much interest for us, or at least me. reading all these fiction books by michael reilly makes me happy. for unknown reasons. maybe its the mystery of it all. the subconscious fascination that i have with all things old and missing. the deep longing that one day you could find something from a different time. a live dinosaur, mammoth, even a conspiracy. because we all dont want to believe that our lives are as mundane as they seem. we want there to be some dark conspiracy underneath it all, because that way, everything becomes so much more interesting.

——————

what i long for