the weather mirrors/affects my mood
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i thought i’d found the answer, but all i’d found was a method of temporary distraction. a mirage of satisfaction, a self-inflicted delusion that i was happy with how things are. doing many things does not a happy man make.
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what do i really want out of this? so, i went through the silly process of reapplying to UK, sitting for my LNAT, and even put in a meagre attempt at reading up. and then the enthusiasm died out, and i’m left exactly where i was 6 months ago. looking at my options (or lack thereof) and wondering what on earth i am doing with my life.
as the prospect of being able to go up for an interview draws nearer, the drive to go for it vanishes even quicker. perhaps its the aversion to having to travel thousands of miles away (20 hours or so by flight) only to discover that they don’t want me. or even worse, that i don’t even know why i want to be there so badly. maybe i just always needed something to aim for, and i just haven’t reconciled myself to the discovery that i’m not good enough for it, or it was the wrong goal for me all along. as far as direction goes, i’m pretty far lost.
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at least i should have something to look forward to: ORD. admittedly, i’m now beginning to long for the end of NS. but there was a time when 4 december didnt mark the end of a long drawn-out chore, but rather the start of an exciting new journey. but just what that journey was, i can no longer tell. what happens next? i build a computer, buy new games. spend hours, days, at home watching shows and playing games. i spend my evenings giving tuition when school reopens just to earn that extra cash, but for what purpose? so i can find another expensive interest to spend it on? it truly is carthatic, spending money like that. too bad the feeling wears out quick.
i used to tell myself it would be better because i’d have more time. to exercise, to meet friends, to follow God. but will it really? or would i just find an excuse to waste my time doing nothing fruitful yet again.
it’s time to commit, but how?
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set my feet back on the path
open my ears to hear
direct my heart to obey
