predict

sometimes i wonder what i worked for, if the same could be achieved with even less effort. when all you have to do is show potential, and they will have faith.

but still i have to keep going. because if i don’t start working harder the only direction available is down. which would be a waste. of everything. so dammit, why did you start realising this so late.

its only been in the last 5 hours that reality has finally hit me. our prelims have started. prelims. the precursor to the first major exam in six rollercoaster years. in all the 5 years prior, i assumed i would be absolutely prepared by now. only doing papers, to refresh the memory. but no. there is still studying to be done. and whatever papers being done are insufficient. nothing, compared to the effort expected.

wake up that idea.

gently

swipe it all

——————

so it has begun. somehow i just don’t feel ready, but here goes anyway.

——————-

hope

calm

before the storm

———————–

the stadium is empty. the fallen leaves lie still on the ground. nothing stirs. the sun peeks out from behind a cloud, letting a few rays of light fall onto the empty grounds. the world is holding its breath, waiting. he sighs, the sound of his fatigue echoing throughout the empty seats. quietly he leaves, taking care not to disturb the peace. not yet, at least. 

tomorrow will see a rush of bodies, frantic feet trampling on the dry leaves that now carpet the ground. tension will feel the air, sweat, hearts beating quicker every minute. but till then, there will be stillness. 

———————-

today was an interesting day. i was asked to help play keyboard for the chinese service. “just one song at 1045″, she said. come up for practice now. not wanting to read the huck finn in my bag, i acquiesced. after a short practice, we went to our seats. the minutes ticked by, leaving me to struggle to understand the elaborate prayers in my mother tongue. the songs at least i could read, and the verses on the wall. then came the testimony at 1120. so the man i was playing accompaniment for was an ex-convict. now working at a halfway house. thankfully i could still understand his testimonial, which was by no means conventional. after the song, i left for practice in an adjacent room. post-service, an exchange of contacts, greetings and smiles. strange how friendly people can be, even when communication becomes a chore. bilingual creatures we are, truly. 

———————–

i guess i should be worrying. somehow i am not. and that worries me.

———————-

to all those of you who have been panicking and rushing to finish the mugging. all the best. to those who haven’t tried as hard (probably including me), all the best as well. we will make it through this trial. then we will begin the true preparation. and we will finally be ready. november, here we come.

———————-

one day more

another day another destiny.

ergh

almost, could have, should have.

expectations are meant to be exceeded.

—————-

i hope, for now, coming up a point short is good enough. for me.

tempest

and storm

————————

we stand. well, some of us do. the rest, in assorted positions between falling and jumping. doing our best to withstand the attacks nature throws at us, as if we are but leaves falling in the wind. useless but for signaling the end of a season, and trampled into the undergrowth. trying, or at least convincing ourselves with gusto that we are. because anything less would be unacceptable. would not be doing justice to the years of preparation, the expectations and the potential. because we know we are better than this.

we all want it. sometimes not enough.

———————-

think.

press

that red button

—————————–

wowz. there’s no one online on skype. i guess its a sign.

1 week to prelims. and here i am imagining what life would be like in an overseas uni even though i dont even know where i’ll end up. wishful thinking much?

—————————-

give me my scholarship pls.

—————————–

we could be

wonderment

wandering

———————-

i dreamt i missed the apps submission deadline for cambridge. which is actually quite possible if i dont get down to the business of writing my personal statement soon, and deciding what other courses/unis i’m going to apply to with my ucas. ergh. why is it so troublesome. its strange how the rest of my life might be decided by the essays that i write from now till the end of the year, and the interviews i go for. 

oh dream, won’t you come true.

——————–

the human race is a strange amalgamation of creative beings, each with a gazillion new ideas buzzing around in our heads every moment of the day. and on the rare occasion when one or more manage to harness an idea, just one, and bring it into being, the world changes.

strange how much of our everyday life which we now take for granted couldn’t have existed, or even been imagined to exist just a few generations ago. sometimes i wonder, how would i survive in a world where not everyone was just a phonecall away. when correspondences didnt take place over a matter of seconds, but days. we simmer and complain when a reply fails to arrive soon enough, which in our view of the world consists of anything longer than half an hour. how could we possibly live in an era where most long distance exchanges occurred via the scratchings of ink on paper. or when a phone call, if missed, might never be returned. yet at the same time i know the answer. we’d make do. its wonderful and scary how pampered we have become in this tech age. when everything is instant and anything else is an unbearable wait. 

despite it quite possibly being bad for my soul, i am going to seek to keep ahead of tech times when i grow up. i was reminded of this when i read a reader’s digest article today about digital life. the author waxed lyrical about the wonders of gps, wifi and tv on your mobile. even a home server was viewed as an innovation of the future. which made me wonder how much of a tech geek he really was, since these amazing innovations seem to have appeared so long ago. bigger screens, touch interfaces, seamless automatic syncing and even wireless charging. now these are the things of the future. and i can’t wait.

————————

someone please help me with my personal statement. and while you’re at it, maybe my prelims as well. 

1 and a half weeks to do more than i achieved in 3 weeks what seems like an eternity ago. wish me luck.

unproductive days are bad for the mind, but good for the soul.

————————-

electric touch

note

to self

——————————

MUST.

START.

STUDYING.

TOMORROW.

———————–

ERGH.

forward

reversal

——————-

nothing like a good argument to remind you that we all are still, after all, mere mortals. perhaps only a matter of expression, but spicy nonetheless.

——————–

i have only just realised the intensity required to make it in life. to apply for ucas, psc and everything else in time. write personal statements. read up on current affairs. study for prelims. wish us luck. 

i hope i make it

——————–

———————

on a random note, the first thing i saw when i got home was a guy puking at the lobby. such fun.

———————-

time to get down to business, i guess.

———————-

won’t you stay with me tonight

respite

despite

—————–

i can’t believe i actually survived almost 3 whole days without turning on my comp. 6 rss feed updates, 18 emails, and lots of FMLs to read. (:

its been an exciting past few days, especially with the end of the dreaded IOC. coming home and spending the night on threadless, eventually not buying anything. at least now i know what to get the next time there’s a sale (:

—————–

GEP anniversary dinner was a strange event. perhaps it was meant truly for alumni, in the senior sense of the word. nevertheless, if networking was the purpose in mind, i must say it was terribly unsuccessful. not least because of the strange arrangements. perhaps most aptly summarised by the minister, with his quip about our half containing “the others”. needless to say, we did not venture out of our comfortable familiar tables much, especially not to the other half of the ballroom. it WAS useful though, in allowing us to meet up with old teachers. that was probably the most valuable takeaway of the night, the joy when a teacher from 8 years ago sees you and remembers your name. the knowledge that the world is not as cruel a place as they would like as to believe. that people do remember, and they do care. our performance went acceptably well, and at least there were some who listened. it was quite possibly better off this way, then if the hall had been silent – awkward much? still, sitting around and just talking to friends is always a good thing. thank God for them.

—————-

pizza hut was awesome too, even though we had to run in the rain, my bandage came off, and i was late for the gep dinner prac as a result. we need more class bonding like that. talking is therapeutic.

——————

today was great. everything about it was great, except maybe the seats in the second row. i must say, watching a movie in 3D is a fascinating experience, one that deserves an encore. the short filler before the main course began was certainly appetizing. its amazing how a single expression on a character, real or imagined, can evoke so strong an emotion in an audience. which was nothing compared to the movie itself. either i never noticed it when i was young and happy (although i AM still happy, i hope), or disney shows have become progressively more emo. adult themes indeed. condensing almost an entire lifespan into the first 10 minutes of the movie is tremendously thought provoking, and heart wrenching. and the rest of the show was equally fascinating. good show good show. (:

———————-

so now we have something to prove. i had actually been planning to take it easy this time round, and save it for the real deal. but i guess now i have to get it right both times. i only hope i have the strength to see it through. but i must, even if its just to show you that i can. it doesnt always have to have a negative impact.

———————–

when i saw you walking over

i could only smile